Sat. Jan 23rd, 2021


Newry’s Call Centre Teleperformance is to be banned from asking potential employees why their CV’s are filled with lies from beginning to end.

An internal Teleperformance staff review suggested that if workers were forced to tell the truth on their CV, Newry’s employment rate would drop to roughly zero.

Teleperformance bosses have now compiled a list of ‘no-go’ interview questions, allowing candidates to portray themselves as hard-working and intelligent, rather than lazy fantasists who spend all day on Facebook or PornHub.

Tristan Smith a Teleperfomance Managing Director told Newry Spud:

“The last thing we need is to lift up this particular rock, it is far better to carry on believing that everything is true and that everyone is just great.”

Other ‘no-go’ interview questions will include:

  • If you’re not gay, then what’s with the shoes?
  • Really? Because you look Protestant.
  • Why are you that fat?
  • Did you mean to dress like a Russian prostitute?
  • Really? Because you look like a Sinn Feiner.

Tristan added:

“When I look at my own CV it says that I am a good team player, I use my initiative and that I have a triple first in maths, sculpture and heart surgery from Queens. In actuality I’m profoundly under-qualified and unable to dress myself, but do you want to work in this Call Centre? Let me assure you, it’s absolutely fucking tedious.”

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