Fri. Jan 22nd, 2021

A recent study conducted by graduate students at the University of Ulster for Health revealed that residents of Newry and the surrounding area will be fatter and paler than ever in the upcoming summer of 2020.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said research analyst Ian Sprat. “It’s really pretty disgusting. And a little sad.”

A group of fifty people from all over Newry, but mostly Warrenpoint, participated in the study.  Over the course of the 30-day trial, participants were randomly given the choice to go outside and exercise observing social distancing or stay inside on the couch and do nothing.

All but one chose to stay inside every single day.

One participant of the study Gerry Watters told us:

“I’m definitely going to get in shape for summer, you know, once it gets nice outside again. I’m much more active when it’s warm, it’s just easier.”

Gerry also noted that he plans to end his relationship with Happy Villa Chinese and discontinue his diet of chicken curry and fried rice and gravy chips once the weather improves.

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