Toast faces an uncertain future after a recent report carried out by the Newry Southern Regional College found that toast, contrary to popular belief, is actually just ‘hot bread.’
“As a result of our in-depth research into the molecular composition of this unique and interesting wheat product under the effects of increased temperature, we can confirm that toast doesn’t actually exist,” a spokesman said in a statement.
“It’s just hot bread. Or warm bread. Or sizzling bread. It depends on how you like it.”
Activist group LOAF has criticised the report claiming that the study was flawed from the beginning, and that unreliable data was collected from ‘faulty apparatus.’
A LOAF spokesman commented: “How can toast just be hot bread? What are they using to toast the bread, a fucking match?”
The ramifications of the report are being felt throughout the financial world, including the stock exchange, with several thousand pounds being wiped off Morphy Richards. With the debate raging on for several years, Newry Southern Regional College has renewed its calls for a referendum on the subject, for which it has been heavily criticised by politicians.
Mickey Brady MP commented: “A referendum? On fucking bread? I’ve got more important things to do. And besides, I claimed for my toaster on my expenses form and we don’t want that kicking for fucks sake?”