Smug Newry Teen Shares Life’s Secrets With Grateful Parents


A Newry couple are ‘proud and grateful’ for the insights which their teenage son has shared with them.

“I always felt that my life was unfulfilling in some regards”, said Dad, Liam 58. “So when Tristan explained that it was because I have a shit, meaningless job and that I should do something which benefits mankind instead, it all fell into place. To be honest, I think I’ve focused far too much on money over the years.

“He then pointed out how clunky my phone is, compared with his iPhone, and recommended that I update my wardrobe and spend some decent cash on a proper hairstyle. I’m really quite grateful.

Tristan’s Mum was equally humbled. “He’s given me some excellent tips on how to cook tastier food, which I’ll certainly be following. I’m also enthused to know that if I ironed faster and had a more efficient cleaning routine I could free up some time for self-improvement activities, which apparently are definitely needed”.

Tristan hopes to go to university as long as it isn’t full of bullshit lecturers before finding an inspirational life role, possibly defending human rights, or ‘something to do with the environment’.