Thu. Jan 28th, 2021

It has been SIX long days now since the release of ’50 Shades Darker’ and Newry men have finally spoken out about how they are feeling ‘inadequate’ and ‘sexually defunct’ in their relationships since their women have saw the quasi-pornographic film.

Chief amongst the men crying foul over the way Newry women are now looking at their men’s obvious sexual inadequacies has been Colly Johnston a failed football manager and part-time male stripper.

Colly told Newry Spud:

“Worse thing I done was let my woman Debbie go to watch thon thing bah. I thought I was adventurous in the bedroom but Christ the night and day! After she watched thon movie she went to B&Q and bought chain-link, shovels to spank me with and cable ties to tie me to the bed. Fuck that. I ran out of the house with my balls jingling between my legs.”

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