A shock exit poll carried out by Newry Spud has concluded that the Cannabis is Safer Than Alcohol (CISTA) candidate Emmet Crossan and the UKIP Candidate Alan Love have both topped the polls in the Newry & Armagh Assembly Elections.
Traditional heavy hitters Sinn Fein and SDLP have been blown clean out of the water by the little known Crossan and Love as the people of the area have decided to vote for stoners and bigots.
Speaking from a traditional Indian Tipi tent in someone’s back garden that Emmet Crossan calls home he told Newry Spud:
“I’m stoked bro, like, wow. I don’t even drive so how to fuck am I going to get to Stormont like?”
Alan Love was busy chairing a meeting of the Armagh KKK so couldn’t be reached for comment.