Fri. Nov 27th, 2020

Not even a handful of hours after Aunty Mary gave you that ugly, two-sizes-too-small jumper for Christmas; you are ready to return it for cash.

Why didn’t you just take that money right out of Aunty Mary’s purse, you miserable bollix!? Ugly socks, pyjama bottoms, Lynx Africa set, that movie you’ve already seen a million times and many other unwanted gifts are in hand as thousands of patrons gather at the doors of Buttercrane eager to trade in their shite gifts for money.

Long lines have begun to form outside of Buttercrane and The Quays, as is Boxing Day shopping tradition. We interviewed a small number of disgruntled gift recipients to get their thoughts:

Grainne, 16-
“I am NOT a size 24. I am EASILY a size 22, or a 20 on a thin day. I can’t wear this shite, it’s hanging off me!”

Mick, 46-
“Apparently the wife thinks I stink. This Lynx Africa set is the 5th one she has got me.”

Ciaran, 33-
“This jacket won’t get me a ride. It looks like something a tramp would wear.”

These degenerates didn’t waste any time. They bolted straight for the shopping centres so they could be the first ones through the door on “Returns Saturday”.

For the rest of you, we wish you a Merry Christmas! Pretend to enjoy your shitty gifts.

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