Thu. Feb 25th, 2021
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Armed Riot police were called to Newry Leisure Centre this morning after a member of the public dared to touch a swimming lane line reserved for members of Newry Tri Club we can reveal.

The incident caused outrage with one member of the public being hit over the head with a pair of wet flip-flops causing him to slip and fall into the pool.

One witness Rory Loughran who asked not to be named told Newry Spud:

“Derek Mathews unhooked the line causing one disgruntled swimmer Finbar MC Grady to grab Derek by the nipples causing him great pain and discomfort.”

We spoke to Derek after the incident and he told us:

“Look, these Tri Athletes think they’re fucking invincible around these parts. Not on my watch. They can fuck away off back to Infinity swimming pool at Mallon’s on the Green Road.”

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