Thu. Jan 28th, 2021


DISGRACED Newry, Mourne & Down District Councillor Patrick Clarke is to rescue Donald Trump’s campaign by training the Republican candidate in the art of seduction and finance management we can reveal.

The Independent Councillor has told Trump he needs to win the respect and trust of women voters and can only do so if he becomes a ‘grand master in the ways of love’.

Clarke who was found to have broken the local government code of conduct after being convicted of sexual assault and fraud is now going to be Trump’s new advisor.

We spoke to Mr Clarke today after he resurfaced from his shame filled bubble and he told us:

“I wasn’t surprised Donald Trump took me on to be honest. I knew he was looking for someone with history and skills in the art of seduction and money investment so I jumped at the chance when he called me looking to put me on his payroll.”

When we asked Mr Clarke if he would like to apologise to the Slieve Croob constituents and the tax paying community in Newry from whom he stole precious money from he told us:

“Do I Fuck.”

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