The number of women exercising in Newry has plummeted after doctors said talking and talking and talking all fucking day no longer counts as exercise.
For many years Newry women have claimed to follow a strict exercise regime based on walking to a pub, picking up a heavy glass of cheap booze and then sitting down with a friend and flapping their indestructible gums without pause for breath.
Science now seems to point to the fact that talking about men and the size of your arse to friends is not considered the same as going for a brisk run or jog.
Newry Spud spoke to the scientists who carried the research out and they said:
“Since the mid-1990s the driving purpose of Newry women has been to facilitate discussions between other Newry women about how fat or thin they currently feel. We recommend that women find a window between chats so they can actually get off their holes and do something about it instead of just talking and talking and talking and talking…..”