Mon. Jan 25th, 2021


Ugly Newry men are to be given a leg up to get their leg over after it was announced that Newry women will be prescribed free NHS beer goggles.

The news will come as a relief to thousands of ugly Newry men who waste both time and money every weekend trying to get the ride.

Ugly Newry man Conor Keenan told Newry Spud:

“My balls are like melons. I’ve been gagging for a ride for months now but no matter how hard I try, they always tell me that I’m too ugly and that I stink of piss. Hopefully now with these new beer goggles, I should be able to spend my weekends up to my nuts in guts.”

But the news hasn’t gone down too well with some. Dessy Murtagh said:

“It’s all well and good giving the women goggles but there are some women out on a Saturday night whose faces look like they’ve been used as target practice by dart player Phil Taylor. We want some beer goggles too.”

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