Ugly Newry men are to be given a leg up to get their leg over after it was announced that Newry women will be prescribed free NHS beer goggles.
The news will come as a relief to thousands of ugly Newry men who waste both time and money every weekend trying to get the ride.
Ugly Newry man Conor Keenan told Newry Spud:
“My balls are like melons. I’ve been gagging for a ride for months now but no matter how hard I try, they always tell me that I’m too ugly and that I stink of piss. Hopefully now with these new beer goggles, I should be able to spend my weekends up to my nuts in guts.”
But the news hasn’t gone down too well with some. Dessy Murtagh said:
“It’s all well and good giving the women goggles but there are some women out on a Saturday night whose faces look like they’ve been used as target practice by dart player Phil Taylor. We want some beer goggles too.”