Sun. Nov 29th, 2020


Newry’s female population has asked local criminals to pay more attention to their appearance, after it was revealed south Armagh’s criminals are considerably hotter.

“When I’m being robbed or held at knife point, it’s disappointing to have to contend with scruffy, spotty tramps with an ill-defined jaw,” Mourneview Park woman Lisa Smith said today, asking criminals to ‘have some self-respect’.

Doctor’s Receptionist Gemma Quinn agreed, challenging offenders to ‘cut the flab’. “Tone up, hit the gym, overcome your fear of moisturiser. It’s 2016 guys,” she said, emphasising this season’s trend for straighter, cleaner lines. “It’s frustrating to see Newry criminals lagging way behind south Armagh on this, as usual”.

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