Newry Wheeler’s Rocked By Doping Revelations

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Another major doping scandal has rocked the world of international cycling today with a well-known Newry cyclist who has been pulled from the biggest race in the calendar year in Omagh earlier this morning.

Paul ‘Peddles’ Garvey who is based in Camlough was visited by ‘The UK Anti-Doping Agency’ before sunrise and asked to provide a urine sample.

We spoke with a representative of the Anti-Doping Agency who told us:

“We asked Mr Garvey to provide us with a urine sample, when he started to pee in the plastic bottle provided it melted on the spot. We knew something wasn’t quite right, so we tested the amount we could retrieve and it was 99.99% pure Erythropoietin (EPO), how he was still able to lead a normal life is beyond us. He is facing a life ban.”

A shocked and visibly shaken Team Leader of ‘The Newry Wheelers’ Drew McKinley told Newry Spud:

“Fuck me, I can hardly see straight over this news. We knew Paul was doing well when our last training session he finished a good solid 25 minutes before the rest of the lads. In fact when we all finished there was ‘Peddles’ Garvey with the feet up, Cuban Cigar in hand and drinking an ice-cold Piña colada. It’s all making fucking sense now, the baldy fucking cheat.”


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