Newry will soon have its first spaceport, according to local development agency Newry 2020.  A presentation was delivered on the exciting development in the town hall yesterday, complete with an artist’s impression of the spaceport and a scale model of the alien quarantine centre proposed for Ballyholland.

“The essence of town planning is to always think of the future,” explained flamboyant local architect and Newry 2020 representative Sam Weird. “As we can see from watching TV programmes such as ‘Star Trek’ and ‘Babylon 5’, at some point in the future space travel will be routine, with people travelling instantly between planets using either ‘Warp Drive’ or ‘Jump Gates’.”

“When this happens, only cities with their own spaceport can expect to continue attracting the sort of investment that Newry needs to live long and prosper.”

Asked when Newry could expect to have an all-weather sports facility, Mr Weird replied “Well now you’re just being silly.”