Newry Thieves Mistakenly Rob Sperm Bank


Two men who attempted to rob a Newry sperm bank were today labelled Ireland’s dumbest criminals.

The pair burst into the Newry Sperm Bank building expecting to grab cash and jewellery – but instead they found only deposits of a different kind.

The PSNI caught the disappointed-looking pair as they attempted to escape clutching nothing more than a few pornographic magazines.

Detective Inspector Chris Quinn told the Newry Spud:

“The two men were Eastern European, Polish to be exact, and had clearly recognised the word ‘bank’ on the signs outside the building. But they evidently had no idea that a sperm bank was something very different.

“Armed with a lead pipe, they burst in through the front door, and CCTV pictures from inside the building clearly show them scratching their heads as they wondered where all the safes containing money were.

“Rather than rows of cashiers behind security screens and hundreds of thousands of pounds, they were confronted with nothing more than a receptionist and a few embarrassed-looking men.

“They probably still hoped to pull it off, but the building’s alarm went off. We arrested the would-be robbers as they tried to run off up Monaghan Street.”

The PSNI said two men, aged 27 and 31, had been charged with attempted robbery and would appear before Newry magistrates Court in the morning. One was named locally last night as Jack Meoff.

No-one in the bank was hurt, although the receptionist was said to be “shocked”.

A spokesman for the Newry Sperm Bank said: “We are very grateful to the police for taking this in hand. Our receptionist was worried these men would take out their weapons and put their empty sack on the table in front of her.

“You could say that it turned into a bit of an anti-climax for the robbers.”