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The Mall, the bustling heart of Newry’s financial district, has been rocked by a series of major accounting scandals.

“A large amount of money which only ever existed in theory is now thought to have never existed at all”, explained local accountant Dara Charterbean to our reporter yesterday.

Meanwhile “Most buildings in Newry are only two storeys high,” said a hospital spokesman this morning, “so a lot of the people trying to kill themselves are just breaking their legs.” Daisy Hill Hospital has reported an increase in casualty patients due to the crisis.