Newry Residents Get New Powers To Beat The Shit Out Of People Who Respond To Long Texts With Just A Smiley Face

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Newry, Mourne & Down residents are to be given new powers to beat the holy shite out of anyone who responds to a long text message with just a smiley face.

The new powers will come into effect immediately to clamp down on lazy shitheads who can’t be arsed to write a full response.

Liam Patterson of Newry, Mourne & Down Council, told Newry Spud:

“It’s good to see Newry leading the way on this kind of lazy-arsed approach to communication. Some of us invest a lot of time and effort thinking about what we want to write in a message, correcting mistakes and taking the time to read over what we are about to send. To get just a smiley face back really pisses me off. I’ve been browsing EBay for some knuckle dusters and can’t wait to get stuck in to beating the shit out of these people.”