Sat. Feb 27th, 2021
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Newry police are to be given powers to beat the shit out of cyclists who ride more than two abreast on public roads.

The new law comes in effect to tackle the problem of ‘Wiggins Wannabes’, who like to dress up in tight-fitting Lycra and get in the way of important motorists.

A Newry PSNI Spokesman, told Newry Spud:

“It’s about time we were given these powers to beat the shit out of them. They’re a nuisance to everyone including themselves. I’ve ordered some knuckledusters off eBay especially and I can’t wait to run into my first criminals or ‘cyclists’ as they prefer to be called.”

But cyclists have voiced their dismay at the new laws. Cyclist’s Kevin Hillen & Paul Garvey said:

“This is a free country and we want to cycle more than two abreast on public roads, then that is our right. I am writing to my local MP, whoever the fuck he his, and also to my local newspaper. We should be allowed to wear our Lycra in public and let our balls dangle around freely whenever we want.”

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