Sun. Nov 29th, 2020

Most Newry parents are having sex even though the thought of their naked bodies is so revolting it makes normal people sick, doctors warned today.

The news has left the teenage population of Newry running in fear or hiding in their bedrooms with ear protectors on in case they now overhear their rampant parents banging.

One local teenager who can’t be named because we didn’t ask him his name said:

“YUUKKKK how can my Ma and Da still do sex stuff? It’s so fucking creepy and weird that they would even want to do that shit at their age, they are like, 40 or something. Makes me want to puke.”

Others have been quick to point to the logistical barriers in the way for parental sex with one saying:

“I wonder what pleasure any man can get from having sex with a woman who can tie her diddies in a bow behind his head they’re that droopy.

It defies common-sense. Or how can he stay aroused after seeing her low hanging flaps? Disgraceful behaviour from 40 to 50 something year olds who should know far better. Surely they are aware that it is comprehensively disgusting.”

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