Sat. Feb 27th, 2021
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A Newry man who knows what ‘split ends’ are is probably homosexual we can reveal.

To the average fella that has to listen to their woman blabber on about her ‘split ends’ it can be most tedious and tiresome.

Spilt ends are ‘a tip of a woman’s hair which has split from dryness or ill-treatment’ and apparently is cause for hysteria and depression for most girls.

But one local man who noticed his girlfriends ‘split ends’ is now suspected of being a closet homosexual.

His girlfriend Lisa FatFlaps told Newry Spud:

“I couldn’t believe it when he said to me ‘oh, look at how bad your split ends are darling’ I actually nearly had a mini stroke. Like, what self-respecting man knows or gives a flying fuck about split ends? I am seriously considering getting rid of the weirdo; it’s all making sense now as to why he always drools over my older brother.”

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