Newry Man ‘Shattered’ Tinder Match Only A Technical Glitch

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Tinder, the popular dating application and one of the more trusted platforms for men who wish to be rejected by women in a discreet and relatively less humiliating manner, has found itself in the midst of a controversy.

On Saturday morning, a Newry man was in for the shock of his life as he checked his phone.

Haldane & Fisher employee and the man who does not wish to be identified as Colly Johnston, has claimed that Tinder has caused him immense distress in the past few weeks. Speaking about this morning’s incident, he told Newry Spud:

“I had just woken up from a good sleep around 8am and I realised there was no point going out for a walk because there would be very few women outside at that early hour.

So I did, what any self-respecting man would do; I opened Tinder and was stunned at what I found; I had got a match. I didn’t know how to react because I had no frame of reference in my life to put this into context.”

Not knowing how to react to the match, Johnston called up his mate Paul who said this sort of incident was unheard of and was an anomaly. After looking up the meaning of ‘anomaly’, Colly contacted Tinder officials who claimed this might be a technical glitch and that they were willing to compensate Mr Johnston for the sudden and false increase in self-esteem it caused.

Mr Johnston has claimed that he was unaware that Tinder had this feature. He had assumed it was a handy tool designed for the busy modern man to look at women while staying at home. When asked if he was aware of the left swipe feature, he scratched his balding head and replied, “whhaaa?

For now, Colly has decided to not take legal action and is recovering in hopes of gaining his original self-respect level of zero in the nearby Daisy Hill Hospital.