According to those around him, Newry resident Gavin Johnson does not spend nearly enough time pondering, obsessing over or talking inappropriately about sex, which has some concerned for his well-being, as well as their own.

The lack of mention of intercourse in casual conversations with Johnson has friends and neighbours alike wondering what he does think about all day, and the possibilities have alarmed quite a few.

Newry Spud spoke to one of Gavin’s friends who said:

“We were walking down Monaghan Street yesterday and this yoke with a great set of diddies and hole on her walked past us, you’d swear he was gay or something, he didn’t even say anything about her. I mean what to fuck?”

“Best case scenario: he’s gay, worst case; he’s some kind of pervert.”