wings

A Newry man is suing the makers of Red Bull energy drink, claiming the product produced “uncomfortable and disproportionate feathery growths” sprouting from underneath both shoulder blades.

David Flemming fell victim to the slogan “Red Bull gives you wings” the very minute he threw back his fifth can of the stuff while fishing on New try Canal. The process was said to have been incredibly painful, and when finished, the flying abilities David experienced were akin to that of a new-born vulture. The wings were utterly useless. Newry Spud caught up with David directly after the incident took place:

“I was banging back Red Bulls that day. One after the other. All of a sudden, I caught a gust of wind and flew about 25 feet into the air. It hurt like fuck to flap my new wings and as I tried to guide myself I had no control & ended up plunging into the canal but not after slamming myself in to the wall of Bellini’s.”

David went on to say that the wings were what kept him from drowning, acting as a sort of awkward flotation device. He is seeking compensation for damages caused to his body as well as his dignity. Red Bull could not be reached for comment.