Fri. Nov 27th, 2020


After struggling for years to find a viable career path, local man Liam Armstrong, was pleased to announce at a press conference in Bellini’s today that he has determined the one thing at which he truly excels: “masturbating furiously”.

The knuckle shuffle expert acquiesced that his skill set may not lead to financial and social successes, but expressed relief to finally discover that he possesses exceptional skill in at least one category.

Armstrong told Newry Spud:

“It’s a dream of mine to someday get paid for this kind of thing, but I have yet to find a tactful way to put ‘professional wanker’ on my CV page.  Still, when I come back home from working all day in TelePerformance, at least I know I’ll do a world-class job at rubbing one out, and that’s something that makes me think that things might be turning around for me.”

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