Wed. Jan 27th, 2021



A top American scientist has said he has made a new code breaking device that is even more complex than the World War Two’s famous enigma machine we can reveal.

Professor Dominic Smyth told Newry Spud that he has made a new machine that can decipher what a Crossmaglen person is saying in real time.

Although it is in the early stages of production there are hopes that the device will soon be released so unfortunate souls that have to deal with Crossmaglen folk will finally know what to fuck they are rambling on about.

Professor Smyth told Newry Spud:

“We searched the planet looking for languages that are unusable outside of the area that they are native to. After looking at remote Amazon villages and lost tribes in central Asia we heard about Crossmaglen and decided to visit.

After 10 minutes in Ma Kearney’s pub we knew we found the language we wanted to work on. While it was a massive undertaking we have finally broke the code of their language and we can’t wait to show the world this new invention.”

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