In an attempt to fill gaps in a woefully inefficient department, Newry PSNI has appointed a specially-trained chimpanzee as their Sergeant.

Sergeant Bubbles named after Michael Jackson’s much loved pet will take over the reins at Ardmore from tomorrow in an attempt to improve the spiralling crime wave throughout the district.

PSNI Chief Constable Simon Byrne Newry Spud:

“This is a last roll of the dice for us in terms of Newry. We have trained Bubbles to the highest standards and we believe he can’t do a worse job than those before him.

He plays with himself while at his desk a lot and throws his shit all over the place so he will fit in nicely with our constables here.”