Man Alone At Newry Party Pretending To Read Texts


At a really fun house party in Newry on New Years Eve, featuring free alcohol, many attractive girls, and banging tunes played loudly through amplified speakers, one local party goer elected to stand alone and pretend to read texts on his phone.

The young man reportedly put on this act of “being too busy on his phone to chill out” in an attempt to avoid all social interactions, while also trying to avoid the shame of failing to ignite or sustain any social interactions.

“He’s not fooling anyone,” said party attendee Ciara Smyth. “He keeps looking up from the screen every five seconds. No one reads texts like that.”

“And look how his thumbs move when he pretends to text back,” added Smyth. “He needs to work on his space work.”

“I think his name is Ryan?” said Sean “The Bull” Quinn, who threw the party. “I don’t really know him, and apparently neither does anyone else. Is he Dan’s cousin? Did Dan invite him?”

Party attendee Dan Malone said he couldn’t remember if he was related to or invited the mysterious Ryan, but Dan was pretty drunk at that point.

Witnesses said this Ryan guy wound up alone by the living room window after having nothing to offer the circles of conversing people in the kitchen, hallway, and living room.