Local Woman Still Beached At Warrenpoint


Hundreds of volunteers have been working round the clock to safely remove a beached 49-year-old woman from Warrenpoint Beach this afternoon, it has emerged.

Discovered this morning, some fear the large female could have been there since October, but remained undiscovered due to the lack of people who visit Warrenpoint nowadays.

“It’s such a shame when this happens, I wonder if she’s a part of a bigger family?” said one spectator watching the action unfold nearby.

“I’m not sure what she’s been eating, but there’s a lot of gas emanating from the area so I’m keeping way back”.

Many scientists are also on the scene attempting to understand how the woman ended up in this situation. Dr Lisa Quinn, who was first to arrive in Warrenpoint today, said:

“It’s possible that this mammal has had too many Friar Tuck’s and Maud’s ice-cream over the years that she just gave up and was finally unable to lift her own body weight”.

“When I first found her I called a conservationist, but apparently fat people aren’t endangered round here so they weren’t really that arsed”, she added.