Jägerbomb Goes Off In Newry

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A devastating jägerbomb detonated in Newry at 1 a.m. this morning killing none but injuring several hundred, authorities at the scene have confirmed.

“I just saw Jäger and Red Bull and then I blacked out,” said one woman who appeared to be lost and desperately trying to find her friends.

The explosion could be heard several miles away, waking up sleeping infants as far north as Camlough and alarming golden retrievers as far south as Mayobridge.

Newry PSNI is uncertain which group of barely employed twenty-somethings may have triggered the bomb, but is doubtful those responsible had political motivations.

According to official estimates, close to 5,000 revellers packed the bars on Thursday night to see in the New Year and passed through the bomb’s radius, completely oblivious of the tragedy to come.