Sat. Jan 23rd, 2021


The Islamic State (ISIS) is offering to pay 100% of student college debt in return for joining their army. The program is aimed at Irish students who are disgruntled about their debt load and lack of jobs in their specific fields of study.

ISIS spokesman Haji Mutazz told Al Jazeera, “You become debt free and fight in the name of Allah at the same time. Great deal for everyone. You fight, we pay for your philosophy degree.”

The U.S. and British Armies have a similar program, but recruits must serve before they can attend college.

“Our program is for those who already went to college and have no way of paying off their debt. We will pay off their debt,” Mutazz said. “It’s a much better deal.”

The ISIS college debt forgiveness program went into effect last week. Mutazz says this is the greatest thing since the iPhone 6: “Join us now and we will give you a free Smartphone case. That way you don’t need to worry about your phone getting hurt during battle.”

ISIS did not mention living conditions or other information a potential recruit might want to know but did say a new website was in development.

Parents and the army

So far, no one has signed up because of ISIS’s strict no alcohol, drugs, sex, masturbating, video games, and fun of any kind policy.

“Too many rules for me,” said Ciaran Quinn of Newry, who owes £23,000 in student loans. “Sounds like Hell over there. I’ll stick with having my debt and living with my parents. Living at home is shite but at least my parents won’t stop me from playing with my mickey before going to bed.”

One recent graduate of the University of Ulster told The Irish News, “I’d rather be a slave to my professor than a slave to ISIS. It is crap that I went to a top-tier college and still can’t find a decent job but those are the breaks.”

Some parents are worried about the tempting offer to be debt free but offers scoffed.

“You think my son Jimmy is going to go fight for a job? I can’t even get him to mow the lawn,” said Libby Maginn. “His lazy arse isn’t going anywhere with his sociology degree.”

MI5 executive John Brennan told the Irish News, “First of all, ISIS cannot be trusted. You really think they will pay off your student loans? Think again, dummy. If you were smart enough to go to college, you are smart enough not to buy into ISIS’s crap.”

There is still concern of Irish students going to the Middle East to fight, but as noted by Brennan, “Living with debt in Ireland is still a zillion billion times better than living debt free in Syria.”

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