Researchers claim that Newry is so shit that anyone experiencing happiness must either be clinically insane or a real sadistic bastard, says Dr Harry Downs, Professor of Psychology at the University of Ulster.
Dr Downs Told Newry Spud:
“My latest research, which will be published in the Journal for the Study of High Intensity Trauma (JSHIT), suggests that happiness is a state of mind which is utterly incongruous with reality and indicative of profound mental instability if living in Newry or anywhere in the proximity.
“The condition which will now be known as ‘Hyper-Newryity’ and will soon be added to the International Classification of Diseases, but, in the meantime, anyone experiencing even a momentary sense of jubilation is advised to seek medical help immediately.
“In its extreme form ‘Hyper-Newryity’ poses a significant danger to society since those suffering from the disease tends to socialise widely and inflict their skewed feelings about the world upon everyone else.”