Sat. Nov 28th, 2020

An international conglomerate of hairstyling products have lobbied Newry Mourne & Down District Council to give Gillian Fitzpatrick a permanent non-elected position on the council after sales of hair products in the area have plummeted to an all time low following her exit from local politics. 

Leading economists say it’s not Brexit that worries them most within the Newry district but the devastating impact of Fitzpatrick’s lack of spending in the grooming sector.

Mrs Fitzpatrick told us:

“Now that I’m not in the public eye as much I don’t feel the need to pour on the gallons of hair product that I previously did when in office.

Plus, I’d actually have to pay for it myself and not claim it on ‘Council Expenses’ LOL. But yeah, I’m just going to go for the old hair up in a bobble now.”

Legend has it that Fitzpatrick’s perfectly coiffed hair whilst in her hay day on the Council could withstand hurricanes and winds faster than the speed of sound.

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