The entire population of Newry has been gazing upward with trepidation today at a large spherical object hanging in the sky that appears to be composed entirely of ‘raging yellow fire’.
“When you look up in Newry, all you should see is an impregnable layer of thick grey smog”, explained local personality and amateur weatherman Kieran Meaney. “Even I’ve fallen victim to this terror in the skies. I fell asleep in my conservatory and woke up in what I can only describe as being Satan’s lower colon”.
Dr Terry Matthews from the University of Ulster, who has been analysing the effect the ominous sky ball is having on its victims, said:
“It appears to emit some kind of invisible energy that reddens the face and leaves one with an uncontrollable urge to go out and buy an orange Calippo ice-lolly.
It then seems to force you into the garden to get pissed full on Magners cider before making you piss on your neighbour’s flowerbed”.
“Or perhaps that’s just me”