US President Donald Trump has eased Newry’s financial woes… He bought the entire city!

Speaking from Air Force One yesterday Trump told Newry Spud:

“I always wanted a place in Ireland to play with. It’s a dumpy wee city, but I’m going to make it into gold, like I do everything.”

Warrenpoint was said to be the next target of Trump’s desire to own most of the south Down district but he said that was not going to happen. Mr Trump told us:

“Warrenpoint? No, I know I said I wanted to buy a shit town or city but I’m not that fucking desperate to own a piece of this place. I’d rather invest in Chernobyl than Warrenpoint lol.”