Bessbrook’s Derrymore House Sold To Become A Brothel

A buyer has finally been found for Bessbrook’s Derrymore House, one of the most historically important houses in Ireland, which has lain largely unused since the First World War. Businessman Simon Hughes, who paid £5 for the sprawling old house, intends to develop it as a high-class brothel.

“Bessbrook’s faux-medieval atmosphere will lend itself perfectly to bondage and fantasy nights,” he told our reporter, “such as the ones I don’t already run in Banbridge.”

An alternative bid to turn the castle into a Christian teaching centre was rejected by the planners as posing “a grave risk to local children.” Local DUP Councillor Billy Irwin has welcomed the sale, but reminded the planning authorities of County Armagh’s strict by-laws against anal fisting on the Lord’s Day.