Tue. Jan 19th, 2021



Newry swimming pool has employed a new lifeguard we can sensationally reveal.

After several ‘near misses’ when the current lifeguard Rory Loughran was too busy looking at himself in the mirror the management of the pool had to move and employ a ‘professional’.

David ‘The Hoff’ Hasselhoff has been taken on as ‘senior guard’ and it is thought he will introduce a tough regime change.


We spoke with Mr Hasselhoff this morning from Los Angeles and he told us:

“I’m looking forward to continuing my old career as a lifeguard, ok, it isn’t exactly the Bays of LA that I will be patrolling but I hear there are some fine looking articles from Newry so I will be keeping an open mind about the city. I hope men with tits are still barred from the pool as that’s just sick.”

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