Civilisation teetered on the brink of collapse last week as council workers staged a one-day strike. Across the Newry, Mourne and Down Council area, normal life ground to a halt as vital public services ceased to function.

Expensive conferences weren’t organised, pointless leaflets weren’t printed, planning officials weren’t bribed, and tourism was inadequately promoted.

The Newry Spud also understands that no additional ‘Big Screen’ TV’s were needlessly erected throughout the district.

“Thank god the social workers didn’t come out in sympathy”, said one local resident yesterday, “or we’d all have been starving in the streets.”