Wed. Nov 25th, 2020


Cobble’s in Newry have installed bidets in all of their toilets replacing urinals in the men’s and replacing the normal toilets in the women’s toilets they have said.

Local tycoon Donal Downey made the move after noticing the extraordinary amount of toilet paper his customers were using on a weekly basis and said the move was for both ‘economic and environmental’ reasons.

A mood elevated and smug looking Mr Downey told Newry Spud:

“Well I’m all about making a difference in the Newry area. So when I realised the excessive amount of bog roll the peasants of Newry were using in my premises I decided to get arse washers installed in all the toilets. It’s more hygienic and it saves us a few thousand quid a year so win, win if you will.”

But we spoke with one female regular at Cobble’s who was outraged at the move telling Newry Spud:

“What is this asshole thinking? I’d rather shake and drip dry than having this cold blast of water up my hole and fanny. I’m going to the Canal Court from now on where they have double ply bog-roll.”

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