Wed. Dec 2nd, 2020

A small but devastating earthquake has hit Newry in the last hour we can reveal, leaving nothing but Café’s, fast food outlets, pubs and bookmakers in its wake.

We have received word that thankfully no casualties have occurred although the financial heart of the city is gone as Café’s and shitty greasy food outlets make up 98% of the economy in the city.

Council Chairperson Laura Devlin was on the ground for a photo opportunity and she told us:

“Obviously we now have to help the coffee shops and fatty food outlets, pubs and bookies to rebuild our already dubious economy. Thankfully though no injuries were reported and it is back to business as usual in Newry.”

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