Sat. Jan 23rd, 2021



A state of terror has taken hold of the small village of Bessbrook. The cause is a rash of swan attacks that has occurred in the last 2 weeks. So as it would seem, Bessbrook’s pond is quite beautiful but only from a safe distance.

On Sunday, when the most recent victim approached the pond to pose for a selfie picture, he was shocked to be ambushed by a group of violent swans.

“They just came flying and hit me from all sides,” David Edgar said from his hospital bed. “I never knew swans were so hostile.”

Local Businessman Kieran Hanna has responded by handing out nets and beekeeper suits to all incoming tourists and pond visitors.

Hanna told Newry Spud:

“Because of these attacks, we’ve seen a surge of tourists. People have agreed to start paying to watch unsuspecting visitors approach the pond and then be attacked by the swans. I’ve put a few extra benches in around the pond for spectators and I’m selling coffee, buns, the usual stuff, business has been great.”

There have been more than 10 attacks in the past week, causing Bessbrook residents to believe they may never be safe around their beloved pond again.

In a hastily arranged meeting regarding the epidemic last night in the local community centre, residents decided to offer anyone who can calm the swans a gift certificate to Basil’ss shop and a session in Dan’s Bar if they succeed.

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