The god-awful stench that plagued Newry and neighbouring towns yesterday has been traced back to the arse of local man, Ciaran Quinn.
The pungent odour was reported by hundreds of concerned residents, some of which said the smell left them ‘gagging and unable to breathe’.
33-stone Ciaran, who was apprehended by environmental officers at his home this morning, said: “I apologise to the thousands of people who were affected. When you mix a stomach bug with three curries and twelve pints of Harp, some pretty devastating things can happen”.
According to reports, after his third curry the smell was said to have travelled as far as Rostrevor. “If you thought it was bad in town, you should have been in my bathroom. The toilet actually melted”.
Ciaran has been advised to refrain from eating curries while unwell in future, unless there’s a strong easterly wind, in which case Banbridge will have to deal with it.