Sun. Jan 17th, 2021

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An alien race from our neighbouring galaxy Andromeda have returned to their earth base in Newry this afternoon, it’s been revealed.




Doubling up as a high school, the Newry base was created by the superior beings back in 1958, and this is only their sixth visit back since.

English teacher Liam Lynch said: “This isn’t unusual. Most high schools get visits from their founders. Ours just happen to be a race of translucent, telepathic space lords from another part of the universe”.

“Although we welcome their homecoming, they do get a bit aggressive if you disobey them. Failure to comply with their orders results in abduction, probing and eventual death. Still, I think that’s marginally better than being owned by either Newry Mourne & Down Council or the Catholic Church”.

Newry Spud was able to speak directly with the otherworldly creatures.

When asked if the St Joe’s school pupils were part of a cross-species genetic engineering programme, the science of which would be too much for our brains to comprehend, they replied:

“Fuck No, those kids have nothing to do with us, they’re just naturally weird and ugly I think”.

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