Coronavirus CURED After Gavin Malone Gives It A Box Of Milk Tray

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The World Health Organisation has just announced that the much feared Coronavirus has been cured miraculously overnight after local Independent Councillor Gavin Malone turned up at its house with a box of Milk Tray we can reveal. The much loved Councillor who unashamedly buys votes for chocolate went to the as yet unknown address of Continue Reading

South Armagh Pubs Allow Smoking To Combat Smell Of Joop & Cow Shite

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Pubs in south Armagh have been allowed to reintroduce smoking in their premises to help combat the smell of manure and Joop aftershave we can reveal. The overbearing stench of cow shite mixed with the popular 1990’s fragrance within south Armagh pubs has hit critical levels according to health officials. One senior doctor who visited Continue Reading

New Royal Baby To Be Baptisted In The Meadow Chapel

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The House of Windsor has said the new Royal Baby is to baptised this Sunday morning after 9:30am Mass in St Brigid’s Chapel in the Meadow we can reveal. The baby who will be named Donnacha Peader O Windsor will then be available for locals to take photographs with. One Palace insider told Newry Spud: Continue Reading

Casey To Mediate Spanish-Catalan Talks

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Sinn Féin’s Charlie Casey is to fly into Barcelona today to help facilitate talks between the Spanish and Catalan governments we can reveal. Casey who is seen as something as a Svangeli type figure within Republican circles told Newry Spud: “Catalan leader Carles Puigdemont WhatsApped me to ask if I could come over to put Continue Reading

School Holidays Sees Soaring Newry Alcohol Sales

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Off licences in the Newry area have reported record sales of wine and hard spirits in the last week after schools went out on summer holidays we can reveal. The sales are thought to be in relation to parents having to spend day times alone with their little shits of children and so are turning Continue Reading

Newry Facebook Users Love Emoticon Buttons Reveals Study

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Newry Regional College have carried out an in-depth study to the effectiveness of the recent new Facebook emoticons and found that everyone loves it when it comes to expressing sympathy to friends. “It’s great!” said Dan O’Hare, a local Facebook user. “When my mate’s Granny died this morning, I was worried that I was going Continue Reading

Cool Dad Confirms 14 Year Old Girls Can Walk Newry’s Streets At Night (As Long As They Aren’t His Kids)

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After recent comments from Newry PSNI that no one under 14 years of age should be allowed to wander Newry at night time an outraged father has it back. Jim Barr an open-minded dad who identifies himself as “liberal” and “modern” has strongly condemned these statements from the police. “These views are the type of regressive Continue Reading

‘Alan’s Snack Bar’ In Newry Attracts Unwanted Attention From Dyslexic Islamic Extremists

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A new snack bar in Newry city centre has found itself in the unfortunate position of being a popular meeting point for Islamic extremists, it’s been revealed. ‘Alan’s Snack Bar’, run by local man Alan Barr, opened its doors in May, and within weeks found itself with a clientele made up entirely of dyslexic ISIS sympathisers from the surrounding Continue Reading

Newry’s Man’s ‘Netflix & Chill’ Now ‘Stream & Cream’

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The term ‘Netflix and Chill’ has become a popular term for ‘Come over and have sex’. Most of us have heard ‘Netflix and Chill’ somewhere in the last few months but a Newry man who is miserable with his money has come up with a new term. We spoke with his girlfriend Martina Hughes today: Continue Reading

New Prison For Newry Has Criminals In Fear Of Moving To Newry

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A large community of criminals from Northern Ireland have expressed their concerns at being stuck in a confined space with people from the Newry area, it’s been revealed. Classed as a ‘super prison’, the completion is less than a year away, leaving criminals across the country facing the reality of being locked up with Newry Continue Reading