Historical Pot Hole Museum To Open In Newry In 2020

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Construction has started on the new Pothole Museum in Newry we can reveal. The new £8.56 million complex will include a car park that is too small with no discernible entrance. We reached out to Council Chairperson Mark Murnin who told Newry Spud: “Frankly the quality of  our roads continues to improve. People don’t realise Continue Reading

‘Straight Quarter’ For Heterosexuals To Be Opened In Newry

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PLANS have been announced to build a ‘straight quarter’ in Newry. The development will include bars, restaurants and nightclubs where men and women can meet someone decent for a change. “It’s totally unnatural” an angry Pastor Richie McRubbins told our reporter yesterday. “If God meant Newry people to find attractive sexual partners, he wouldn’t have Continue Reading

Counterfeit Note Warning As ‘Tiger McCullough’ Notes Hit Shops

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POLICE have warned shoppers to be on their guard against a highly-sophisticated new batch of Bank of England £20 counterfeit notes. The clever forgeries carry a photograph of Damian ‘Tiger’ McCullough the celebrity radio presenter from Armagh GAA broadcasts. The PSNI have warned middle aged women shop cashiers to be on their guard as one Continue Reading

Bessbrook’s Derrymore House Sold To Become A Brothel

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A buyer has finally been found for Bessbrook’s Derrymore House, one of the most historically important houses in Ireland, which has lain largely unused since the First World War. Businessman Simon Hughes, who paid £5 for the sprawling old house, intends to develop it as a high-class brothel. “Bessbrook’s faux-medieval atmosphere will lend itself perfectly to Continue Reading

Police Seize Buckfast Destined For Newry Area At Warrenpoint Harbour

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The PSNI has seized a large shipment of Buckfast believed to be destined for the Newry area. The find was made during the planned search of a lorry at Warrenpoint Harbour, where 20,000 bottles of the deadly addictive drug – with a street value of £100,000 – had been hidden inside a consignment of illegal Continue Reading

Newry’s Around A Pound “Worse Place On Earth”

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A United Nations survey has declared Newry’s Around A Pound store “The worse place on Earth”, heading off strong competition from Bangladesh, Ethiopia and Warrenpoint. The international team of inspectors was impressed with the store’s shabby appearance, worthless stock, demeaning service and ‘interesting’ smell, but have stressed that it was the people of Newry itself Continue Reading

Big TV To Show ISIS Beheadings Live

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Newry’s controversial big screen will be broadcasting live beheadings it has emerged. Speaking ahead of the upcoming protest of the Islamification of Ulster at Newry Town Hall UKIP’s Henry Reilly has called on the council to scrap plans of broadcasting the beheadings. Reilly told Newry Spud “It’s clearly an attempt to make us numb to Continue Reading