Parkhead Woman Finds Lost Virginity After Blessing Self Outside Cathedral

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A Parkhead woman has found her virginity after blessing herself while walking past the Newry Cathedral we can confirm. The 26 year-old woman who had previously lost her virginity after a drink fuelled bender several years ago said she’s ‘blessed’ to have found her much coveted virginity. She told Newry Spud: “It’s an amzing gift Continue Reading

No Overtime For Bin Men But Let’s Spend £25 Million On Civic Centre – Marie Ward

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The Chief Executive of the Newry, Mourne & Down District Council Mrs Marie Ward has said the building of the new Newry Civic Centre must go ahead despite the council’s services falling apart at the seams we can report. While the thought of spending £25 million on a civic centre is lovely and all the Continue Reading

Dumped Man Getting Life On Track In Magee’s Bar Sinking Pints Like Fuck

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A recently dumped man has got his life back on track by sitting drinking cold pints in Magee’s Bar beer garden while looking at pictures of his ex. Jim Lonely who could be described as a mildly popular man has decided its time to move on. Jim told Newry Spud: “Yeah, she was a fine Continue Reading

Francie Bellew Challenges Katie Taylor To A ‘Good Digging Match’

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South Armagh’s version of Chuck Norris Francie Bellew has called out Irish boxing sensation Katie Taylor for a ‘fair dig’ we can reveal. The news comes after Taylor’s recent win in which she has been described as Ireland’s best fighter regardless of gender Francie told us from his cowshed deep in the Crossmaglen wilderness: “Katie Continue Reading

Council Head Marie Ward To Work On Bin Lorry To Earn £141,000 Salary

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The Chief Executive of the Newry, Mounre & Down District Council is set to take to the bin lorry in order to justify her £151,000 per year salary we can reveal. The massively over paid council chief is in the middle of a furore and backlash from the bin men of the area for a Continue Reading

Mad Woman Doesn’t Take Pics Of Child Going Back To School For Facebook

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There was wide spread disbelief and shock today after news emerged that a mother didn’t post a clatter of photos of her child going back to school this morning. The news is being met with an air disbelief and widespread anger at the mother who didn’t post the photos of her little shite going back Continue Reading

Gavin Malone Wins Contract To Litter Pick White House Lawn

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Local Independent Councillor Gavin Malone has today revealed that his passion for local litter picks has blossomed to a full-time job with news that he has won the contract to lift litter from the White House in Washington D.C. Using his extensive political contacts Councillor Malone has secured one of the most lucrative litter picking Continue Reading

Irony Lost As Driver Insists Masks MUST Be Wore On Crossmaglen Bus

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There seems to be a complete loss of irony on behalf of an Ulsterbus driver today who insisted that all passengers on the Newry to Crossmaglen bus wear a mask. The Crossmaglen bus that shuttles the simpletons from the rural idiot riddled village to the ‘big city’ would not move today until every passenger complied Continue Reading

Taxi Jo’s ‘Bag Head’ Revealed To Be Gerry Adams

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Shock waves have hit Newry today with news that the infamous sidekick to Taxi Jo the much loved Bag Head is in fact ex Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams. Although originally thought to be local actor Hugh Feenan who played the Bag Head character Mr Adams released a statement today saying that it his him. Continue Reading

Newry Man Tony ‘The Wand’ McGivern Named ‘Most Fertile Man In Ireland’

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A local man has been proclaimed as ‘the most fertile man in Ireland’ we can proudly proclaim. Tony ‘The Wand’ McGivern a lifelong Newry man was ratified as the most prolific man in the sheets not only in Newry but indeed in IRELAND. One local man Anthony Rafferty a part-time drone operator who asked not Continue Reading