Local Nicknamed ‘The Cock In The Rock’ After Belfast Birthday Visit

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A local man has been nicknamed ‘The Cock In The Rock’ by west Belfast residents after his antics in the Rock Bar on the Falls Road we can reveal. Colin ‘Wock’ McLoughlin who was in the bar over the weekend celebrating his 68th birthday made such a tit of himself that he began to strip Continue Reading

Dame Vera Lynn To Return To Her Native Culloville For Burial

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Culloville native Dame Vera Lynn will be returned to her native south Armagh tomorrow afternoon for burial we can confirm. Fondly known as the ‘Forces Sweetheart’ for her war time singing of ‘We’ll meet again’ never forgotten her roots in the small weird little village of Culloville and requested that she be returned there when Continue Reading

Pastor Barrie Halliday Appointed To Head Of International KKK

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Bessbrook Pastor Barrie Halliday has been sensationally fast-tracked to the top of the KKK we can reveal. The man of God who this week posted a video on Facebook encouraging people of colour to ‘go back home in boats’ will take up the tittle as International Grand Wizard. Barrie told us: “Obviously this a great Continue Reading

Nurse Confused As Shops Won’t Accept ‘Claps & Applause’ For Payment

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A Newry based Nurse has spoken out tonight about how she was tuned back from a local shop when she tried to pay for her groceries with ‘claps and applause’ we can reveal. The Nurse who appreciates the time people take out of their lives on Thursday nights was shocked when she couldn’t cash in Continue Reading

Couple Get Married On Aer Lingus Belfast – London Flight To Invive More Mates

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A local company have decided to hold their wedding ceremony on a Belfast to London Aer Lingus flight so that they can invite more than 10 people we can reveal. With the image circulating of a flight from Belfast to Gatwick packed to the roof with passengers the couple are thinking outside the box to Continue Reading

Lovely Weather During Lock-Down Just God Being A Funny Bollox

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God has admitted that he has made the last 4 days beautifully sunny and warm while most people are on lock-down was just him being a bollox. As the sun splits the trees and the temperatures are weirdly unseasonable for April people are wondering why the sun and heat are here now. God told Newry Continue Reading

Sniper Called Back To Action To Monitor Social Distancing On Easter

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In what is seen as an unprecedented move the south Armagh sniper has been called back into action to stop people from going out over the Easter weekend. According to the Health Minister Robin Swan the sniper and his team will be going around the six counties and have permission to ‘pick off’ anyone not Continue Reading

Nurses Delighted Local MP To Get £10,000 Work From Home Allowance

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The people of Newry are delighted with the news that their local MP will be entitled to a £10,000 ‘work from home’ payment we can reveal. Mickey Brady the MP for Newry and Armagh will receive £10,000 as he is working from home and not in Westminster (which he never is) in a move that Continue Reading

Outrage As PSNI Arrest Republicans For Not Wearing Masks & Latex Gloves

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There was widespread confusion and dismay today around the North when it emerged that the PSNI were rounding up so-called ‘dissident Republicans’ for not wearing masks and rubber gloves. The PSNI say they have rounded up over 100 men and women believed to have ties with militant Irish republicanism using the new powers given to Continue Reading

Boris “A Real Fighter” Says Nurse Standing Over Him With Pillow

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British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is a ‘real fighter’ a nurse standing over him with a pillow has said. The nurse 28 year-old Laura Nightingale from London had to be taken off the Prime Minister’s care team after being caught several times trying to suffocate him. Laura told Newry Spud: “Fuck he’s a fighter without Continue Reading