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Friar Tucks Using Only Halal Meat To Welcome Shamima Begum To Area

25th February 2019

In a surprise move Friar Tuck’s the much loved fast food outlet in Newry has turned to using only Halal meat for their products to make new Crossmaglen resident Shamima Begum more welcome we can reveal. They will no longer serve bacon due to the Islamic belief that pigs are ‘dirty’. In a move that […]

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Disgraced Empire Actor Sentenced To Work In Around-A-Pound

23rd February 2019

Disgraced American actor famous for his role in the hit series ‘Empire’ has been ordered by an American court to do community service in Newry’s Around-A-Pound we can reveal. Jussie Smollett who set-up an attack on himself and then claimed it was a homophobic attack was sentenced this morning in a Los Angeles courtroom. However […]

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Former Councillor Walking Around Buttercrane Like Secret Service Agent

23rd February 2019

A former Sinn Féin councillor is walking around Buttercrane like a Secret Service Agent now we can reveal. Colman Burns who was a long standing councillor but who has since changed careers as a security agent within Buttercrane shopping centre has a swagger like no other. One shopper told Newry Spud: “I thought President Trump […]

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People At Wake Fucking Psyched To See Vol Au Vents On Offer

23rd February 2019

Attendees at a local wake have spoke of their ‘joy’ and ‘delight’ when the family of the dead person broke out the mushroom vol au vents we can reveal. Unlike other wakes where you’re lucky to get a small cup of luke warm tay and a shite cheese sandwich the folks attending this wake got […]

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South Armagh Pubs Allow Smoking To Combat Smell Of Joop & Cow Shite

23rd February 2019

Pubs in south Armagh have been allowed to reintroduce smoking in their premises to help combat the smell of manure and Joop aftershave we can reveal. The overbearing stench of cow shite mixed with the popular 1990’s fragrance within south Armagh pubs has hit critical levels according to health officials. One senior doctor who visited […]

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Newry Leisure Centre Advertising Job For ‘Fat Sauna Guy To Talk Shite’

22nd February 2019

Newry Leisure Centre has advertised locally for a ‘Fat man to sit and talk shite in the sauna’ we can reveal. The important job of ‘fat sauna guy’ has become vacant in recent weeks prompting the Council to look for a new applicant. A Leisure Centre spokesman told Newry Spud: “We are looking for a […]

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Jihadi Bride Shamima Begum Allowed Into Crossmaglen

22nd February 2019

In an act of extraordinary humanity the people of Crossmaglen have negotiated a deal with the British government to allow the so called Jihadi Bride Shamima Begum to be housed in the village. It is thought a delegation of Crossmaglen residents are to fly to the Syrain refugee camp where the young ISIS woman is […]

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Gerry Adams Moves Into New Shandon Park Home

18th February 2019

Former Sinn Féin President Gerry Adams has bought a house in Newry’s Shandon Park he has said. The west Belfast man purchased the house for ‘easy access to Louth’ as he represents that county in the Dáil. Mr Adams told Newry Spud: “It’s a lovely little part of Newry. I must say that I found […]

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Newry Ulsterbus To Throw Dice Instead Of Using Timetables

18th February 2019

Ulsterbus in Newry has come up with a novel yet creative way to determine when and where their buses will go to as they seem to have gave up on the notion of timetables years ago we can reveal. From today on-wards the staff will take turns in throwing two dice and see where they […]

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Rapper 21 Savage Starts Work In Teleperformance

18th February 2019

The well known rap artist 21 Savage has started work in Teleperformance after it was revealed he was not from America as he claimed but from the UK. The superstar who claimed he was from Atlanta was sent back to the UK last week and has taken up a position as a call handler with […]

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