UNICEF Evacuate Warrenpoint Residents To Nearby Rostrevor

20th August 2018

A report from the world’s leading humanitarian charity UNICEF has declared that Warrenpoint is an ‘uninhabitable & toxic’ town and has set up emergency tents in the nearby village of Rostrevor for the thousands of refugees expected to leave the area. A UNICEF spokesman told Newry Spud: “We received reports from various concerned statutory bodies […]

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Must Be A Party In Daisy Hill GUM Clinic Or Something

20th August 2018

Newry’s Daisy Hill Hospital’s sexual disease GUM clinic must have been holding a party this morning as the queue to get into it was out the front door. Known as one of the most popular and busy sexual disease clinics in the western civilisation, reports suggest they had a party from 9am this morning. One […]

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Pope Francis To Do DJ Set In Marine Tavern Saturday

19th August 2018

The Marine Tavern has announced that Pope Francis the 266th leader of the Catholic Church is to do a ‘guest set’ next Saturday night. Pope Francis who is known to have a keen interest in European House Trance is to do a 45 minute set before retiring to the nearby Canal Coury Hotel before celebrating Mass […]

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Julie WideFlapps Caught With No TV Licence & Gabriel McAreavey

16th August 2018

Got done for no TV license this week and got a solicitors letter to boot. Apparently offering the TV license man a blow job in order to waive the fine is illegal. Frig me pink I’d never have known!! Then I went to the Post Office and asked for a black and white TV license […]

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Boyle’s Bingo Remove ’69 Ball’ After Customers Get ‘Over Excited’

16th August 2018

Boyle’s Bingo Hall in Newry has become the first in Ireland to withdraw the number 69 ball after some of their lady clients became ‘over excited’ we can reveal. The number 69 traditionally known as a favoured sex positon has overwhelmed some older ladies at the Bingo Hall who made the floors ‘soaked’ after the […]

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JOY As 56 Year-Old St. Joseph’s Graduate Gets a D In His A-Levels

16th August 2018

There was joy in Newry this morning as a 56 year-old man has finally passed his A-Levels after resitting the exam in St. Joseph’s School for the past 37 years. The man’s family have already taken to Facebook to express their ‘pride’ and ‘joy’ of the man’s amazing achievement. We spoke with the delighted new […]

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Newry Woman Arrested For Selling Counterfeit ‘Slimmer Of The Week’ Certificates

9th August 2018

A 41 year-old Newry woman has been arrested today in a major anti-counterfeiting apperation we can reveal. The woman was lifted after a raid on her premises in what Criminal Assets investigators are calling a major seizure of ‘Slimming World Slimmer Of The Week’ certificates. A spokesman told Newry Spud: “We found literally thousands of […]

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Man’s Friar Tucks Meal Robbed After He Posts Facebook Pic

9th August 2018

Newry PSNI has confirmed they are investigating a most unusual theft we can reveal. A man who innocently posted a photo to social media of his Friar Tucks meal had it stolen literally from under his nose. A PSNI spokeswoman told Newry Spud: “The man posted his meal to Facebook and it was liked and […]

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Newry Taxi Firm To Close As Best Customer Finally Passes Driving Test

9th August 2018

A Newry based taxi firm has said they are on the verge of closing after their number one customer finally passed his driving test at the age of 36 we can reveal. Christopher Quinn who bravely donated one of his kidneys said he hopes he’ll get a mobility car. However there are questions over his […]

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Tony Smith Appointed Russia Special Envoy For Culture & Arts

8th August 2018

RUSSIA has appointed Newry action star Tony Smith, who shares a close friendship with Vladimir Putin, as a special envoy to the Irish for “culture, arts and youth.” The extraordinary move was announced by the Russian Foreign Ministry and the national TV station RT. A statement said: “It’s a case of people’s diplomacy intersecting with […]

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