Calls For Calm As Tensions Rise Between Trainor’s & Carrickcruppen Darts Teams

11th November 2018

Local community leaders in Camlough along with the PSNI have called for calm after a recent fallout over a dart player we can sadly report. Sean ‘Bullseye’ Doyle from the village has opted to join Carrickcruppen darts team leaving behind a stunned and shell-shocked Trainor’s team. One insider Gavin Kane who asked not to be […]

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Clanrye Taxi Man Wants You To Know Newry’s Full Of Poles These Days

11th November 2018

A Clanrye Taxi driver wants you to know that Newry’s full of Poles these days we can reveal. The driver who could talk the leg off a stool and who smells like mince and onions is sad to see the influx of ‘thon Pole bastids’ he has said. The driver told Newry Spud: “I remember […]

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Francie Bellew Calls Out Oleksandr Usyk After His Cousin Tony Got Knocked Out

10th November 2018

Francie Bellew has sensationally called out Ukrainian fighter Oleksandr Usyk tonight after he comprehensively beat and knocked out his cousin Tony Bellew tonight in Manchester. Francie Bellew who some say doesn’t wear condoms because there is no known protection against Francie Bellew has claimed he’d ‘knock 3 different colours of shite’ out of thon Ukrainian.” […]

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Parents Of New R-Plate Driver Excited To No Longer Drink-Drive Home From The Mourne Country

10th November 2018

The parents of a new R Plate driver have said they’re ‘over the moon’ now that they don’t have to drink and drive home from the Mourne Country every weekend. The 17 year-old driver had no idea she was to become a taxi service for her borderline alcoholic parents. However we spoke to the parents […]

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Subaru Jacket-Wearing South Armagh Man Under The Impression He’s A Rally Driver

10th November 2018

A south Armagh shit-kicker is under the distinct impression that he’s a road racing rally driver or something. The 34 year-old man who wears a Subaru jacket every day (even to mass on Sunday) although never being in a Subaru before actually thinks he’s a rally driver. We caught up with the delusional fuck-wit and […]

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Former Reality TV Star Wishes She Could Go To Friar Tucks And Not Be Recognised

10th November 2018

EX Reality TV star Grainne McCoy has said she’s just about sick, sore and tired now of being recognised every time she goes out in public a year after her ‘Apprentice’ appearance. McCoy who now works as a shelf stacker in Around-A-Pound has paid a heavy price of fame since leaving the BBC show. Grainne […]

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Newry Dad Low-Key Proud As Fuck Son Won School Yard Fight

9th November 2018

A Newry dad is low-key proud as fuck after his 11 year-old son was sent home from school for punching another child in the nose we can reveal. The man plans on going out tonight with friends to celebrate his son’s dominance in the local playground. The proud Dad told Newry Spud: “When the School […]

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Newry Woman Wrecks The Alloys On The Yoke Again

9th November 2018

One look at a Newry woman’s alloy wheels will tell you all you need to know about her sheer inability to drive it has been revealed. The news comes amid concerns that ‘the women are fucking up the yoke’ according to those who share an automobile with a local woman or indeed according to local […]

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Small Teleperformance Team Pretending They Haven’t All Rid Each Other

9th November 2018

A close-knit Teleperformance team are all still pretending that they all haven’t bucked each other we can confirm. The team that take calls for a government contract are said to have at least cross-fucked each other at local clubs around 4 times throughout the year. One of the call centre team told Newry Spud: “Yes, […]

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87 Year-Old Ardmaine Home Resident Shanks Bitch To Get Moved To Maghaberry

8th November 2018

An 87 year-old woman inmate at Ardmaine Nursing Home has made a 27 inch shank to stab another resident in order to ‘get a good feed in Maghaberry prison’ she has claimed. Delores ‘Queen B’ Bradley is believed to have spent up to 3 months crafting the knife that experts say could have caused a […]

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