OFFICIAL – Barcroft Is Still Worse Than Derrybeg

Once again Barcroft has beaten Derrybeg in the ‘quality of life’ index, published yesterday by the Northern Ireland Social Trends Survey. Barcroft was officially ranked ‘Worst place in Northern Ireland’, while Newry retained its coveted title of ‘Worst city or town in Northern Ireland (excluding Warrenpoint)’.

Following a series of extensive interviews, questionnaires and PSNI undercover operations, Barcroft people are revealed to be consistently uglier, nastier, less intelligent and more inbred than their Derrybeg counterparts, according to the authoritative report.

However, Social Trends Statistician Maura O’Hallion warned Derrybeg people against complacency, as she discussed the results with our reporter yesterday.

“While Derrybeg continues to score well in important categories like ‘Litter on motorway exit’ and ‘Stabbings in The Park’,” said Ms O’Hallion, “minor categories such as ‘Tattered flags’ and ‘Misspelt Republican graffiti’ need to be urgently addressed.”

Other categories in which Derrybeg scored convincingly over Barcroft included ‘Closeness of railway station to town centre’, ‘Dirtiness of children’ and ‘Overall smell’.