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South Armagh

Camlough Residents Somehow Shocked Chinese Whose Curry Could Hang Wallpaper Given Low Hygiene Rating

22nd March 2019

Camlough residents have reacted furiously with news that the local Chinese take-away that has become an institution in the village has only received a one point rating by The Food Standards Agency. This despite the fact that you could hand wallpaper with the fucking curry they produce to customers and have a generally gross output. […]

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Joy As Toothpaste To Arrive In Mullaghbawn For First Time

10th March 2019

The simpletons of Mullaghbawn are in high spirits today with news that toothpaste is to be delivered to the village tomorrow for the first time we can reveal. The Mullaghbawn Today’s Local shop has confirmed to Newry Spud that they have accepted an initial order of 6 tubes of toothpaste to see if anyone in […]

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Bessbrook Couple Charged As ‘Unfit Parents’ After Their 3 Kids Found Living In Bessbrook

25th February 2019

A Bessbrook husband and wife have been charged by the PSNI and Social Services as being ‘unfit parents’ after it has emerged that they allowed their 3 children to live in the backward looking south Armagh village we can reveal. Known as an incest filled village where the gene-pool is extremely shallow, Newry PSNI rushed […]

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Former Councillor Walking Around Buttercrane Like Secret Service Agent

23rd February 2019

A former Sinn Féin councillor is walking around Buttercrane like a Secret Service Agent now we can reveal. Colman Burns who was a long standing councillor but who has since changed careers as a security agent within Buttercrane shopping centre has a swagger like no other. One shopper told Newry Spud: “I thought President Trump […]

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Jihadi Bride Shamima Begum Allowed Into Crossmaglen

22nd February 2019

In an act of extraordinary humanity the people of Crossmaglen have negotiated a deal with the British government to allow the so called Jihadi Bride Shamima Begum to be housed in the village. It is thought a delegation of Crossmaglen residents are to fly to the Syrain refugee camp where the young ISIS woman is […]

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Councillors Walker & Hearty ‘Outstanding’ In New Laurel & Hardy Film

17th February 2019

Film critics from around the globe have praised two Newry, Mounre & Down District Councillor’s roles in the new Blockbuster film ‘Stan & Ollie’ which chronicles the lives of famous comedy duo Laurel & Hardy. The DUP & Sinn Féin representatives William Walker and Terry Hearty have been filming the movie over the past 2 […]

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Only Acceptable Border Is Francie Bellew With A Big Stick Say Sinn Féin

17th February 2019

Sinn Féin has said that the only acceptable border after a ‘No Deal Brexit’ will be Francie Bellew standing on the road with a stick we can confirm. There is fear within the local community that we could see a return of British and Irish customs officials between the Louth & Armagh border prompting Sinn […]

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Missing Dog Found Alive & Well In Bessbrook Pot Hole

16th February 2019

A beloved family dog has who has been missing for 4 days has been found safe and well inside a pot hole in Bessbrook we can reveal. The dog named Jess went missing on Tuesday prompting a massive search mission. However the pet was discovered this morning after it was discovered he fell into the […]

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Willie Frazer Gets Slab Murphy Valentine’s Day Tattoo

14th February 2019

One of the most heart warming and unexpected love stories to emerge this Valentine’s Day was that of Willie Frazer getting a tattoo on his forearm of veteran south Armagh Republican Slab Murphy we can reveal. Frazer known for his contempt of Murphy and south Armagh Republicans had a complete change of heart and had […]

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Former Council Chairperson Fitzpatrick To Be On Dancing On Ice

1st February 2019

Former Council Chairperson Gillian Fitzpatrick is set to appear as a surprise shock entrant in this years Dancing On Ice we can reveal. It follows her recent dance routines spotted in Bellini’s nightclub last weekend. A spokesman for Dancing On Ice told Newry Spud: “The girl has definitely got the moves. She’s got hips like a […]

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