Newry

Arlene Foster To Lead Newry’s Gay Pride Parade

31st August 2018

DUP leader Arlene Foster is to lead tomorrow’s Gay Pride parade through Newry we can reveal. The former First Minister of the now defunct Stormont government has put aside traditionally held and somewhat prehistoric judgements and agreed to lead the parade. Mrs Foster told Newry Spud: “I’m looking forward to meeting all the queers, sorry […]

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Now Good Time To Stop Posting Back To School Pics Says Report

30th August 2018

A new study commissioned by The Education Department has revealed that it is about time people stopped sharing hundreds of photos of their little shites first day back to school on Facebook. The study revealed that maybe one or two photos is appropriate to show family and friends but two days continuous postings of the […]

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Parents Across Newry Plan Orgies As Kids Go Back To School

28th August 2018

Parents all over Newry are planning on holding wild naked house parties tonight to celebrate the fact that their kids are going back to school tomorrow. Newry PSNI has been put on standby to deal with the carnage of deliriously happy parents. We spoke to some excited patents who told Newry Spud: “I CANNOT wait […]

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Damien Quinn To Play For Pope At Croke Park

25th August 2018

In a suprise addition to the line up of entertainers at this evening’s Festival of Families at Croke Park for the Pope’s visit, Newry singer Damien Quinn will perform for the pontiff. Quinn will join other giants of Irish music such as ‘The Priests’, Daniel O’Donnell & Nathan Carter. Damien told Newry Spud: “I was […]

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Bessbrook Golfer Selected For European Ryder Cup Team

23rd August 2018

A Bessbrook man is to sensationally be selected for the European Ryder Cup team after winning the Ashfield Golf Captain’s Day tournament last weekend a European golfing insider confirmed tonight. Rodney Quinn from The Green Road who has up until now had what can only be described as a ‘fledgling’ golfing career will replace county […]

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Newry Idiot Spends 3 Hours In Around-A-Pound Deciding On Which Deodorant To Buy

23rd August 2018

A Newry man has spent 2 hours and 46 minutes smelling deodorants in Around-A-Pound on Hill Street because she couldn’t decide on AXE or Insignia we can reveal. Onlookers said the 37 year-old idiot faced an almost impossible decision on which spray to buy and said he looked ‘agonised’ but finally went for the AXE […]

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Pope Turns Down Frazer Meeting Saying ‘Even I’m Not That Bat Shit Crazy’ To Meet Him

22nd August 2018

Pope Francis has said that even though he is ‘God’s representative on earth’ that even he is not that ‘bat shit’ crazy to meet with Willie Frazer after turning down and invitation to meet the Newtwonhamilton man. Pope Francis who spent years meeting and talking with members of Argentina’s military Junta said he would rather […]

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Must Be A Party In Daisy Hill GUM Clinic Or Something

20th August 2018

Newry’s Daisy Hill Hospital’s sexual disease GUM clinic must have been holding a party this morning as the queue to get into it was out the front door. Known as one of the most popular and busy sexual disease clinics in the western civilisation, reports suggest they had a party from 9am this morning. One […]

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Julie WideFlapps Caught With No TV Licence & Gabriel McAreavey

16th August 2018

Got done for no TV license this week and got a solicitors letter to boot. Apparently offering the TV license man a blow job in order to waive the fine is illegal. Frig me pink I’d never have known!! Then I went to the Post Office and asked for a black and white TV license […]

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Boyle’s Bingo Remove ’69 Ball’ After Customers Get ‘Over Excited’

16th August 2018

Boyle’s Bingo Hall in Newry has become the first in Ireland to withdraw the number 69 ball after some of their lady clients became ‘over excited’ we can reveal. The number 69 traditionally known as a favoured sex positon has overwhelmed some older ladies at the Bingo Hall who made the floors ‘soaked’ after the […]

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