Newry

Calls For Calm As Saoradh Place Union Flag Over Newry Sinn Féin Office

17th November 2018

The PSNI has called for calm in Newry after Saoradh An Iúir mounted an overnight attack on the Sinn Féin offices by placing a Union flag over the building. The move is seen as a slight by the Saoradh party claiming that Sinn Féin are as British as Finchley. Saoradh An Iúir spokesman Stephen Murney […]

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Around-A-Pound A Treasure Trove Of Useless Shite

17th November 2018

Newry’s Around-A-Pound is an absolute treasure trove of useless shite you’d never need it has been revealed. The shop on Hill Street is jam packed with useless photo frames and cheap deodorant. We spoke with an Around-A-Pound spokeswoman who told us: “From the outside, this place might not look like much but if you’re willing […]

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Shock As Coulter & McCartan Take Over Armagh Management

17th November 2018

Armagh football fans have been left reeling today with news that Down legends Benny Coulter & James McCartan have taken the reigns as the new management team of the Orchard County. The news was broke in an unusual fashion with the Armagh County Board opting to showcase the duo wearing the new 2019 county jersey. […]

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Newry Adults Wearing Ripped Jeans Clearly Wankers

16th November 2018

Being over 21 years of age and wearing ripped jeans will turn you into a self-satisfied smug cock-womble it has been confirmed. The recent craze of wearing jeans ripped to absolute shite is something that originated in the 1980’s but has since seen a resurgence in popularity. Whilst it may be acceptable for minors to engage […]

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Most Newry Women Would Rather A Friar Tucks Chicken Burger Than Sex With Partner

16th November 2018

Most Newry women have admitted they would gladly give up sex with their partners in return for a Friar Tucks Chicken Burger we can reveal. It would appear that Newry men’s sexual powers have become so shit that a simple slab of chicken between a bread bun with lashings of slaw is more appealing than […]

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Girlfriend’s Family Think They Can Add You On Facebook Now

15th November 2018

In an act of what can only be described as massive presumption, Sheila Quinn, a person that your girlfriend has confirmed is a member of her family, has sent you a friend request on Facebook. Even though you only met her once at one of your woman’s family weddings she all of a sudden just sends you a fucking […]

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Flat Cap A Firm Indication Man Must Be From South Armagh

15th November 2018

The fella wearing the flat cap is showing a strong indication that he’s from south Armagh it has been revealed. The flat cap is as much part of the south Armagh shit-kickers uniform as dealer boots or a cheque shirt tucked firmly into blue jeans. The fella wearing the flat cap told Newry Spud: “Ahh […]

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Newry Man’s Custody Battle Plays Out In Series Of Passionate Facebook Posts

15th November 2018

Over the last several months it appears that 24 year-old Derrybeg man, Peader O’Hallion, has relayed his ongoing custody battle to the world, using the social media platform known as Facebook. In the most recent string of posts, Peader takes aim at not only his ex Claire, but also her two-faced friends and the new […]

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Barcroft Man On Ankle Tag Tells Cobbles Photographer To ‘Fuck Off’

13th November 2018

A Barcroft man who is on a Court ordered curfew and has an ankle tag on has told the Cobble’s photographer to ‘fuck off’ on Saturday night we can reveal. The 23 year-old from the notorious ghetto area has been on tag for over a week now and just needed a few pints with the […]

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New Teleperformance Employee Begins To Die Internally Telling ‘A Little About Himself’ During Icebreakers

12th November 2018

A newly employed man at Teleperformance has said he lost a little bit of his internal soul after he had to ‘tell a wee bit about himself’ during an induction ice-breaker we can report. The man said he would have rather done a massive shit on his hands and clap for an hour than to […]

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